Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Adoption Grief

Our kids have been through pain. .this we know. . . .

Initially, we grieve this pain on an almost global basis. We grieve for "orphans" in general and the pain they endure. . . this causes us to ache and to pray, and often is instrumental in our choice to adopt or get involved.
Then, we have a picture. This child whom we begin to love. Whom God places in our hearts. We grieve for the pain we know they have endured. We grieve for knowing our children will have suffered. . . but still, it is a bit removed. We are grieving for A child.

Soon, they are in our arms. They are not just orphans, they are not just a picture, they are our children. Now, the grief is different.

You see, today, I laid Davis down at Jess' house so I could run an errand. Not thinking a thing about it, we laid him in a crib in her room. Davis freaked out. We later thought about the fact that Davis hasn't been in a crib since the orphanage. Who knows what was going on in his mind? The truth is, I don't know. He could have just been crying because he didn't want to take a nap. However, tonight he had trouble sleeping and had a nightmare. I went in to hold him and he just clung to me. While I don't know exactly what's going through his mind right now, one thing settled in my heart as it has never done before. My son has suffered. My son has been scared and afraid. My son has been lonely and longing for a mama to comfort him. When we first got his referral, we were told that he had a really hard time adjusting initially. While this made me sad, it didn't hit me like it is tonight. Now, I know what it is to see Davis scared. I know that he may not remember this later, because he is so young, but a 2 year old is definitely old enough to feel real fear (he was dropped off at the orphanage just before his 2nd birthday). I know this because I have a little girl who is just 2. I know how freaked out Gracie would be if I dropped her off somewhere. . .somewhere that had many children and little individual attention. . an orphanage that while the nannies may love her, it wouldn't be what she longed for. I realize now, that this is what my boy went through. My Davis. No longer just "an orphan" or even "a picture". . but, my son. He hurt and he does remember those tears and those fears some nights. So. . tonight. . I cry. I mourn for the tears cried by my son and the pain he endured. I am so thankful that when I didn't even know him or know his tears, my Jesus did. He was there. He was holding him and loving him and whispering in his ears. He was, even then, pursuing his heart.

Thank you, Jesus. Not only for holding him for me when I didn't even see his tears but for bringing him here. For giving him a family that can calm his fears, wipe his tears and hold him securely. . . and, for holding me while I cry for him as well. I love you and can't live without you!

*note. . I know this is part of being an adoptive mama. . .this is not a one time thing, but a process. I just wanted to journal this part of my heart, because it sure helps me process. . .


Cassie - Homeschooling Four said...

That makes me sad for him too. I'm glad you put 2 and 2 together and figured it out.
Sweet boy! Thanks for sharing your heart!

Laura said...

Thanks for sharing! I am bombarded this morning after reading your blog and Dawn (with Peanut)and Liberson dying in Haiti. So much pain and suffering - thankfully our Lord can bear it all. And thankfully God is using people like you to LOVE His precious children!

Amber S. said...

Crying while I type...Davis is such a sweet blessing to all of our lives. We thank the Lord and you and Greg for bringing him into our community. And no more cribs! :-)

Andrea said...

Brandi, thanks for sharing your heart. It is always beautiful. Davis is one lucky guy. It is a good reminder that God cares and is meeting needs before we even know about them!

I am excited about your trip in October. I will email you soon!

Kari said...

Wow, so hard to realize the grief a 2 year old could experience. But what a blessed little guy Davis is to have such an amazing and loving family that loves God.

ManyBlessings said...

Thanks for your comment on my blog. I came over here to "see" who you were and I found that I feel a true connection with your heart. :) You write so beautifully about your little Davis. I have seen that fear too and it's so sad. Praising God for mama's like you, who are passionate about healing. Can't wait to read more!

The Albertsons said...

I mourn with you sweet mama... I know.

Sawyer's Mom said...

It is so heartbreaking to try to imagine what is going on in their heads.

I can't tell you how many times we had to stop and think about why Jman was reacting to certain things. We would initially think what on earth. We still forget he has not always been with us. Even now he has only been home for 1-1/2 years.

jena said...

Thank you for your journal entry. Keith and I have been trying to prepare for what is about to come our way. Even though we know God will give us what we need at exactly the right time... our kids have years of memories. And we have no idea what those memories contain. Nor do we know when they will surface. I'm glad we aren't alone in this journey!

Love you!

Faith said...

Great post Brandi. It is so important to remember that our kids have been hurt because I feel it helps us relate to them. There are times that I have to parent Isaiah(5) differently than the other kids because I know he has a past of hurt and abandoment and lonliness. I don't think you can me and adoptive Mama and not have those days where you just grieve for what your child has lost. It is SO huge! Thank you for your honesty.
Blessings, Faith

amber said...

oh. man. I'm hurting for you both after reading this entry because I know the pain of this process. It certainly isn't easy -- but you're doing a great job processing it all and helping Davis process it.

lots of love,

Anonymous said...

Beautiful post-it really helps to bring home the point that each of the orphans is a individual with a heart that aches not just a number and that Jesus is right there with them with His heart breaking too
julie l

Anonymous said...

we should also grieve for the mama's who had to let thier babies go. They were orphans but they has Mama's who no doubt loved them as we do our children.

Anonymous said...

Beautiful and heartfelt post. SO true. It is heart breaking.

Kristin said...

Thanks for sharing so openly. While that pain and suffering is something no child should I experience, I definitely rejoice that people like you believe in helping them and loving them.

Missy said...

Oh sweet, precious baby boy. They do have deep hurts and fears, don't they?

Spankie said...

"I went in to hold him and he just clung to me.'


wow, when i first read this i just had to pause.

it reminded me so much of our Lord.

During my time on this earth there have been so many times i have been scared,

terrified would be a better word.

When my mom passed in my arms,
or when i thought i was losing my son when he was a baby,
or when i did drugs for a week straight and came home to an empty house.... the list goes on and on....

the way you held davis.. the way he clung to you..

So many times i have called out to Jesus so that I could cling to him.. may be what the lord was saying in

Mathew 11:28 was..

CLING to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

Humbly with blessings

Frankie G

Anonymous said...

Great post....a good reminder. love you! Denise

Anonymous said...

Wow - Thanks for sharing, Brandi. That was really powerful. I'm so glad you chose to write this down for all of us and for you and your kids in the future as well.

love, annnee