Adoption Grief

Our kids have been through pain. .this we know. . . .

Initially, we grieve this pain on an almost global basis. We grieve for "orphans" in general and the pain they endure. . . this causes us to ache and to pray, and often is instrumental in our choice to adopt or get involved.
Then, we have a picture. This child whom we begin to love. Whom God places in our hearts. We grieve for the pain we know they have endured. We grieve for knowing our children will have suffered. . . but still, it is a bit removed. We are grieving for A child.

Soon, they are in our arms. They are not just orphans, they are not just a picture, they are our children. Now, the grief is different.

You see, today, I laid Davis down at Jess' house so I could run an errand. Not thinking a thing about it, we laid him in a crib in her room. Davis freaked out. We later thought about the fact that Davis hasn't been in a crib since the orphanage. Who knows what was going on in his mind? The truth is, I don't know. He could have just been crying because he didn't want to take a nap. However, tonight he had trouble sleeping and had a nightmare. I went in to hold him and he just clung to me. While I don't know exactly what's going through his mind right now, one thing settled in my heart as it has never done before. My son has suffered. My son has been scared and afraid. My son has been lonely and longing for a mama to comfort him. When we first got his referral, we were told that he had a really hard time adjusting initially. While this made me sad, it didn't hit me like it is tonight. Now, I know what it is to see Davis scared. I know that he may not remember this later, because he is so young, but a 2 year old is definitely old enough to feel real fear (he was dropped off at the orphanage just before his 2nd birthday). I know this because I have a little girl who is just 2. I know how freaked out Gracie would be if I dropped her off somewhere. . .somewhere that had many children and little individual attention. . an orphanage that while the nannies may love her, it wouldn't be what she longed for. I realize now, that this is what my boy went through. My Davis. No longer just "an orphan" or even "a picture". . but, my son. He hurt and he does remember those tears and those fears some nights. So. . tonight. . I cry. I mourn for the tears cried by my son and the pain he endured. I am so thankful that when I didn't even know him or know his tears, my Jesus did. He was there. He was holding him and loving him and whispering in his ears. He was, even then, pursuing his heart.

Thank you, Jesus. Not only for holding him for me when I didn't even see his tears but for bringing him here. For giving him a family that can calm his fears, wipe his tears and hold him securely. . . and, for holding me while I cry for him as well. I love you and can't live without you!

*note. . I know this is part of being an adoptive mama. . .this is not a one time thing, but a process. I just wanted to journal this part of my heart, because it sure helps me process. . .