Being In Love

I know I've been a bad blogger lately. I'm sorry! My sweet friend, Jackie Sue, approached me on Sunday and told me she missed my blogs that were about my heart. For me, it's hard to blog when you can't blog EVERYTHING. There are some major changes coming in my life, but I'm not released to blog about them YET! grrrr. But, that shouldn't stop me from sharing with you and journaling for myself the things that He is speaking to my heart. So... here ya go...

I wrote a few weeks ago about the song "How He Loves" by David Crowder. I told you how much I love it right now, but that is a gross understatement. God has used THIS song in my life in an extremely powerful way to open me up to new aspects of His character.

For a few days I was just LOVING this song...but it didn't seem to mesh with what I was learning in other areas. I've told you guys how I hate to learn a bunch of things at the same time and how I'm always asking the Lord to connect the dots. You see, on one hand I was falling in love with this crazy good song about How Much He Loves me and on the other hand I was learning HARD lessons about waiting on Him. We had a bunch of decisions to make and I was feeling completely at a loss. (most of these decisions have been made now :-) I felt like I was drowning, not knowing what God had planned for my life. I had no clue what the future held and was living each day feeling overwhelmed and with nothing to hold on to.

One night, after a long run, I got in the shower and blared this song. I began to ask the Lord, "why do I love this song so much? What are you trying to teach me here?" He was so sweet to me that night in my little prayer closet that I call a hot shower :-) He whispered ever so softly, "listen, sweet girl" and the words of the song came on "my afflictions are eclipsed by Your Glory". and it was true. Whenever I listened to this song and focused on His Glory, the troubles of the day seemed to fade away. I would spend a day feeling on the verge of tears at all times, wondering what my future held and then put this song on...within minutes I would literally be twirling around my house with my arms flung open just reveling in His love and mercy. I felt the Lord speak to my heart, "this is what I am teaching you. Come to me. Be filled with my love. When you know me more as your good Daddy, the rest won't matter. Focus on who I am and how much I love you. Then, you'll be able to trust my plan and even my timing. " He reminded me to think of my Dad, who was and is an awesome Daddy. I would never think that he would plan things for my destruction. I trust him. I also assume that my children will trust me. Nothing frustrates me more than when we are at the pool and Brayden asks "what's next?". I want him to just rest in what I have planned for him that day. The Lord convicted me very gently that I had been doing the same thing. I fell to my knees in that shower confessing that I was being impatient and wanting every detail for the future instead of resting in Him. I asked Him to help me trust Him more...to each day see His love for me and allow that to eclipse everything. I wanted to live each day where He had me while at the same time excited about whatever He had in store for my future.

Now, a few weeks later.....I'm not sure I have it figured out. But, through it all, I'm falling in love. Seriously...like head over heels, madly, deeply, passionately in love. I want my thoughts to be consumed by Him. I am realizing for the first time truly how much He loves me. Not for what I DO for Him but just because He loves me. One of the lines in the song is "For we are His Portion and He is our prize.' Wow....I thought about the word portion. Enough. The perfect portion...I thought of it terms of a meal...my portion. I can't even fathom that I am His portion. He loves me that much and is filled up with me. oh that makes me want to twirl even now writing it and listening to the song at the same time. He is my prize...my treasure. I am in love and want to keep falling more and more each day. He's bringing me to deeper reaches with Him in my journey and I'm loving it.

Don't get me wrong, it's still hard. He's teaching me tough lessons that I am wrestling with Him through....but it's ok. why? because my afflictions are eclipsed by His glory. He loves me and I love Him. We can get through anything hand in hand.

Oh How He LOVES US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know I've been a bad blogger lately. . .I'm sorry! I'm learning and being led in things I can't share yet. . .but I will. He's doing big things and I'm so thankful to be HIS girl.

Today I was reading Hosea and was so struck by His impassioned pursuit of my Faithless heart. You know the story (and if you don't. . go read it and then go immediately to purchase the book "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers a fictional retelling). The Lord tells Hosea, a man of God, to go marry a prostitute who is horribly unfaithful to him. He tells him to continue to love and pursue her. And HE relates it back to His relationship with Israel.

Here's what struck me today. . .He keeps calling her back. Then, He goes a step further. . .when she calls him master. . .because that is what she should... . she should be begging for his mercy and willing to do whatever to serve him. Yet, He tenderly calls for her to call him her lover not her master.

Let that sink in for just a second, would ya? We OWE Him. . big time. We are unfaithful and we are no good. We have not done ONE thing that qualifies us to be His bride. . .and yet He calls. Not only does He call. . .but He desires to be the tender lover of our souls. Drink that in. He is GOOD.

Now, go to iTunes and buy the song "How He Loves" by David Crowder Band. It sings to my soul and I hope it does to yours as well. Here are the precious lyrics. . .let them speak to what the GOD OF THE UNIVERSE absolutely ADORES you! You. . .stop and read it again. HE ADORES YOU!!!! No matter what. . .go read Hosea. HOW HE LOVES YOU!!!

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.

Well, I thought about You the day Stephen died,
And You met me between my breaking.
I know that I still love You, God, despite the agony.
...They want to tell me You're cruel,
But if Stephen could sing, he'd say it's not true, cause...

Cause He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us.
Whoa! how He loves us.
Whoa! how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.

Makes me feel shaky

I'm going to be really honest here and share my journey. It's not complete in any way, shape or form. It's a process. . .but that's kind of why I blog. It helps me to process what I'm learning and it keeps me accountable to continue the work that I'm learning. . .so, get ready for my heart.

I've been struggling the last few days / weeks. I talked a bit about in my post "Honest Truth". It's just gotten worse. . .but I think I may know why. God may have been doing 2 things at the same time in my life. . . .

#1. My ministry roles were changing. Out of the comfort of my home church where I feel so loved and comfortable with the leadership and into working alongside HopeChest, HopeMongers and RLC. (PS They also make me feel comfortable and loved. . .I just don't have history there =) This means that I spend a good portion of my day talking to Russ, Sam, Vince and Bob. An incredible group of wicked smart guys who have serious education and qualifications to do their amazing jobs.

#2. My pride is being stripped away. I have heard it said that everyone struggles with an overloaded sense of self. . .it's the sin nature. However, that sin nature reveals itself in one of two ways: pride or self-hate. Mine has always been pride. Since everyone struggles with it. . .It's tempting to let it go. But God's word is pretty clear "God opposes the proud". Wow. I do not want to be opposed by God.

I began to pray and beg God to remove this from me. I wanted so desperately for Him to be able to use me in His Kingdom and I didn't want to get in the way of that. I was so afraid that He'd have to hold back His blessing or best because I couldn't handle it and would try to take His credit. So, I've been on my knees for the past months begging God to remove it from me.

Here's what I realized last night as I called my friend Jena, nervous and anxious about EVERYTHING in my life right now and all that God is calling me to. . . .

When God removes something. . He always desires to fill that space back up with Him. I hadn't done THAT work yet! I had asked Him to remove my pride. . .and didn't realize that He was working on it. . yet, all of a sudden I found myself questioning everything. I realized last night that He had begun to remove what had been my sure footing. I had relied on my self sufficiency, abilities, qualifications and everything else in the past. I had walked surely in pride and confidence.

Last night Beth Moore uttered these words in her closing video for Esther and they completely described me: "If you feel overshadowed, under rated, overwrought, under qualified, under attack, over anxious and over responsible you need to realize something. You have a GOD who has called you a queen (just like Esther) and has placed you in this place "for such a time as this" to Trust Him and LIVE the adventure"

wow. I realized that He'd removed some of my pride and it left me feeling all of those things because I hadn't replaced it with any of HIS truth. I called Jena on my way home and we worked through some truth. This is new ground for me. . .I'll walk with shaky legs. .I'll be taking every thought captive. . . .

When I feel: I will remember:

Inadequate HE is enough

unqualified HE placed me here and He knows best

insecure HE is my security

Unsure HE has ordered out my days

and the list goes on and on. . . .

I want to walk in a confidence that only comes from HIM. I want to Hide in the shelter of His wings. I want to live out His will for me and use the gifts He's given me because they reveal His image not for my own glory. I want to walk unafraid into the deep unknown because I'm holding the hand of the one who knows all. You see. . .I've always said that I don't want to life a safe life. I don't want to just do what I am capable of doing. I think I just thought I'd like to be made more capable! =) No, it is in my weakness that I will boast because it is HERE that others will see GOD.

For now, I will walk with these shaky legs and feel a bit vulnerable. I need to learn to cling to and walk in this truth alone. I feel unsure as I take these steps and still feel myself questioning WHY God would have me in these places among these people and why oh why they'd ever want me there either. I think it's a good thing. The beginning of a work I want God to complete. No matter where or what He calls me to, I will celebrate this work that leaves me shaky b/c it is here I will cling to my Jesus and learn to be more like Him.

**Note: I am still adding scripture to some of those truths if you have a good one for me. . .or if you hear me sliding back into my "secure" self of pride, I'd appreciate your nudging for me to look to Jesus.

Warrior Girl

I'm a fairly girlie-girl. . . .I wear skirts, a little make-up, love pedicures, absolutely love my precious friendships with other women, girls nights out are my favorite, chick flicks are adorable. . ok, you get the picture.

however, I'm also a very strong personality. . had you noticed that already? =) I am loud, sarcastic and feel like I'm a bit overwhelming at times.

I also LOVE war movies, any action based thriller and, of course, 24. . .not because I want Jack Bauer to rescue me. . .but because I want to be him! haha

This contradiction of who I am feels like just that. . .a contradiction. I feel like I don't fit in as a girl in some ways. The strength of my personality and my desire to be involved in things a bit over my head (just ask the HopeChest guys and Russ) make me feel like not the quiet, meek, demur woman that I'm "supposed" to be.

Here's where freedom has come for me. . .I LOVE BETH MOORE!

We've been doing the Esther study lately and she keeps coming back to one concept that keeps hitting me over the head. "Warrior Women".

She explained that in Prov. 31 (the perfect woman chapter that hangs over our heads!) the same word is used for this precious mama that is used for GIDEON. Yep, the warrior hero, Giddeon.

Oh how that frees me. Women ARE called to be a part of the fight! Just look at Esther. . she didn't just sit around during injustice. God used her!

So often, when I am learning about the injustice in this world, I want to DO something. I want to "get in the game" I want to be a part of the "fight" I want to be on the front lines of "battle"

I used to struggle with that. . .not anymore. That IS a part of me. God made me to be used in HIS battle. He allows ME to be on the frontlines. . .both in the physical sense as He is granting me the privilege of helping HopeChest and in the spiritual sense as I get to unite with other believers in fighting the spiritual battle through prayer and intercession for the oppressed. We get to be involved!

Does that thrill any of the rest of you? For me, as a woman who's wondered if I'm some sort of weird freak. . .it's thrilling and freeing. I can be completely a girl and completely a warrior all at the same time!

Fiction Comes to Life

Hebrews 13:3 exhorts us to “remember those who are in prison, as though you were in prison with them; those who are being tortured as though you yourselves were being tortured”

I wrote about the new free copies of SCARED yesterday and it got me to thinking. I just watched the movie “Taken” recently. Reviews have ranged for this movie about a 16 year old American girl being abducted for sex slavery. Some have loved the action / adventure and vigilante justice of the thriller. Many others have said that it was just too hard to watch.

Fiction has a way of doing this to us, doesn’t it? It takes us into the story. Makes it real. We begin to care and even more so, we begin to relate. When reading SCARED or watching Taken you begin to picture yourself or even more so, your children in these perilious situations.

I believe when these shows are too hard to watch it is not because this is NEW information. Most people today know that there are 27 million slaves in the world. They know that every day children are dying and being left orphaned in Africa. They know that the sex industry is taking and using little girls as its own.

They just don’t want it to strike TOO close to home. To picture a 16 year old American girl, someone’s daughter, as being abducted for sex slavery is way harder than just knowing it exists. To read the story of Adanna and holding yourself back from weeping while you read of her mother’s last breath is harder than just knowing that there are orphans.

However, it seems like that’s JUST what Jesus calls us to. Read that verse again, “Remember those who are in prison, as though you were in prison with them; those who are being tortured as though you yourselves were being tortured"

However, He doesn’t leave us there. The Lord Almighty doesn’t just say. . .”think of them and weep”. No, HE calls us to be a people of action.

Thankfully for me, when I watched Taken and when I read SCARED I was able to think of names. Names of people and organizations that are living in ACTION on behalf of others. People like Gary Hougen and his amazing team at Int’l Justice Mission who spend their lives on the cause of Justice. People like Tom Davis, Bob Mudd, Vince Giordano, Ginia Hairston,Joseph Elotu, Arthur Muga, Beatrice, Christine and Pauline of Children’s HopeChest (home offices and Ugandan contacts) who are living out their lives in faithful service to the orphan and the widows.

Moms like Jody, Steffany, Wendi, Angel, Jena, Donna, Julie, Anne, Amy and so many more who are spending their free time (and moms don't have a whole lot of that) for the poor and needy.

Won’t you consider praying for, volunteering with, donating too, advocating on behalf of the poor, the needy, the oppressed. To live out God’s COMMAND to
“SEEK JUSTICE, RESUCE THE OPPRESSED, DEFEND THE ORPHAN, PLEAD FOR THE WIDOW.” (Isaiah 1:17)

The interesting thing that struck me recently about that verse is something I learned in English class many years ago. It’s the concept of the “inferred YOU”. When you see a command and it’s not directed at anyone (vs. Brayden, go to bed), you are supposed to add the Inferred YOU. Does that read differently now? Read those words from the LORD GOD, Creator of Heaven and Earth, Your Savior and Maker. . .

YOU seek justice
YOU rescue the oppressed
YOU defend the orphan
YOU plead for the widow”
~Isaiah 1:17

It may look different for each of us, but it certainly doesn’t sound optional to me anymore.

The Honest Truth

Ever want to hum that old Michael W Smith song, "My Place in this World" in your head?

If you are a woman, my bets are on a big fat yes. John and Staci Eldridge hit the nail on the head in "Captivating" when they said that all women struggle with 2 main lies "I'm too much" and "I'm not enough".

What they failed to tell us is how we could struggle with both in the same day!

Yep, it's been one of those days for me. I know that most people who read this don't really know me. . .I have no clue what you really think of me, if you think I have it all together or are the most UNtogether person in the world. If you love me or hate me. Heck, if you think I'm "too much" or just "not enough" The truth is that today has been a struggle. I often feel like I'm not really fitting in anywhere lately. . .like I'm not really sure of my place.

You see. . .I'm not sure if I can classify myself as a "stay at home mom" anymore. The truth is that my volunteer hours probably take up as much as a regular job. . .they are just weird hours with conference calls stuck in during drives, nap times and running and "work" hours are 8-midnight.

With all of that, you can imagine that I pretty much never feel like I'm good at either. Tonight as I set off to run I felt so overwhelmed. With the Uganda stuff, I am doing things that are FAR outside my proficiency so I don't feel all that great about the job I'm doing (I mean like writing million $ grant proposals and development plans. . .amazing to be a part of, but not something I'm good at). . .add that to the pressure and burden I feel to see this succeed and to see these children get sponsors. . fast. Oh yeah, and doing it all while working with an amazing group of professionals (the HopeChest staff) that I'm pretty sure I'm not even qualified to be their assistants! (I'm a stay at home mom who didn't even finish college!) sigh

But, I LOVE it. I feel so alive and in the center of God's will when working in this ministry. I love the vision casting, the brainstorming, the sharing of the passion. so yeah, "not enough" comes up in this realm a lot.

Then the biggie. . parenting. Parenting 3 small children! As you moms know, there are great days and there are bang your head against a wall days. Today was the latter! A day when the kids were out of control, I was trying to get a project done all while trying to do all of the laundry, dishes and various housework of the day. I NEVER feel like I'm a good enough mom.

Oh yeah. . and the ever present feeling that I'm not so great on the friendship front. I'm pretty sure I'm not a fun friend. Who wants a girls night with a girl who only thinks about starving people? That added to the fact that my availability has been more limited because on top of the fact that my kids go to bed at 7-7:30 I'm also on conference calls during the days / evenings.

So that's me. . .a working/stay at home mom who never feels like she gives her kids what she should. a volunteer who's a little more committed than the average volunteer and yet struggles to know her place b/c I don't feel qualified to even be in the circle and it's not like I have any clue what role I'm supposed to be playing. . .and a 28 year old American girl who doesn't fit in here and knows she won't fit in there either. All while learning more from Jesus than I ever have before. Oh yeah and none of that even touches the fact that I recently stepped off of church staff ( a position I volunteered in for 7 years) to get more involved in HopeChest Uganda.

So there. . .if any one of you ever thought I had it all together, you don't now!

But what I realize in all of this is~ drumroll please ~ I'm always going to struggle with this!

Lovely thought, huh? It's true though. . anytime I take my eyes off of Jesus and start trying to figure out where I fit in all of this, I'm going to struggle. I'm thinking He actually wants it this way, it keeps me running to Him. and man did I run to Him tonight. I poured it all out and He reminded me once again that HE is where I find my value and my place. In HIM do I take refuge. I'm simply responsible for listening and obeying. I was reminded of the verses we are learning. "If you spend yourselves on behalf. . ." wait, that's how I feel. . . SPENT some days. And I imagine it to be a horrible thing. Maybe it's here in the struggle that I find Him. It doesn't make the struggle easy but at least I know where to go with it ~ straight into the arms of the Father.

How about you? Do you struggle with your place in this world? In friendships and parenting and marriage and ministry and work?

Safety vs. Bravery

Sean Litton, a young successful attorney on the upswing of his career and supporting a family, felt the call to help the abused in the world. Gary Hougen in his book “Just Courage” writes about Sean’s struggle between SAFETY and BRAVERY. Sean’s choice to leave his rising career to run a field office for rescuing children out of sex slavery in SE Asia was a struggle. Many would call it crazy. Heck, many DID call it crazy! Especially since he had a young family and was joining a dangerous job in a 3rd world country! As Sean struggled he said this (taken from pg 122 of Just Courage. . .seriously, order this book NOW! I recommend this as highly as any other book I've ever read)

“4 things were holding me back from taking the plunge into “losing my life” to test Jesus’ promise that I would gain something more.

1. Comfort - the state of contented well-being. And we know what this is about: a nice pillow, a couch, air conditioning, a vanilla latte.
2. Security - freedom from danger
3. Control - having the power over circumstances and events to achieve a desired outcome.
4. Sucess - the appearance of wealth and the high regard of your peers

Comfort. Security. Control. Success. These are the four things Sean said he had to let go of in order to get the life that Jesus promised.

According to Sean, he got 4 things in return:
Adventure
Faith
Miracle
Deep knowledge of Jesus

Who among us wouldn’t want these?”

Powerful stuff. Do I want to be safe? or Brave? Reminds me once again of the line in CS Lewis’ “Chronicles of Narnia” when Susan asks “Is Aslan safe?” and the beaver responds, “No, but he is good”

Amen, amen, amen. . .my heart resounds. My heart longs not for safety but adventure, but when put in a position of adventure my heart is checked “do I trust HIM?”. Somehow I am made for this great adventure and yet it is the very thing that stirs up my greatest fears. I’m pretty sure that is an intentional move on behalf of my creator.

He made me to NEED to TRUST Him! If I ever want to live the great adventure that I feel deep in my soul, I must come to the edge of my greatest fears and jump. I must choose when it comes not just to lip service but to action, that I trust HIM and want to take the leap, like Sean did, into Adventure, Faith, Miracles and a Deeper Knowledge of Jesus.

“If you will lose your life for my sake, you will find it” ~ Jesus

PS: remember to go order your copy of Just Courage now. . .order it from the www.justcourage.com site and it will directly benefit IJM!

Adultery

I began to think He didn't choose well. His love kept betraying Him. She would love him and live with Him and life would look good and then she would grow restless. She began cheating on Him. Over and over. This was actually her PATTERN of life. Love Him, cheat on Him, life begins to go wrong and she runs back to Him hoping He'll take her back. He does. Every time. And every time my heart breaks a little. Really? He's taking her back again? She's just going to cheat on Him again. WHY does she do this? Doesn't she see that part of the pattern is that after the cheating life gets hard? Those that she cheats with never make her happy. Simply heartbreaking, but a story that is played out every day, all over the world. It's the stuff of Lifetime movies and of real life, unfortunately.

We liken ourselves to God and make distinctions about what should and should not be forgiven. We hear a story like the one above and believe, SHE should not be forgiven. Toss her out! On the other hand, we look at our own lives and think I should never be forgiven. I have heard over and over, "If you only knew what I've done and who I am". This is one of the enemy's greatest lies and schemes. If he can make us put ourselves in the judges seat and determining who will and will not receive forgiveness, then he has won on 2 fronts. He has created a judgemental, unforgiving people and a people that will not accept the forgiveness that God offers.

The story I shared about my friend and His love illustrates crazy love. Love that is abundant and pursuing and dangerous. His love knows no bounds. As much as I think it's crazy for Him to keep allowing her to come back, I also want that kind of love. I think we all do.

Guess what? He's available. Yes, the story above is from the book of Judges. Read the first few chapters and you'll get the picture quickly. These words are repeated throughout the book in this order, "Then the land had peace for 40 years . . .Again the Israelites did evil in the eyes of the Lord (in other places, "did whatever they wanted and didn't care about the Lord"). . .They were captured by so and so and life got very hard . . .They cried out to the Lord. . .He heard and rescued them". That's crazy love. Even as the Isrealites abandoned the Lord and cheated on Him in the midst of a great life, He loved them and never left them. This happened over and over again. They loved Him and left Him. Life got hard and they begged for another chance. It sounds crazy for Him to take them back but for my sake, I'm sure glad He does.

He offers us that same kind of love. He offers THAT kind of faithfulness. No matter our cheating hearts, He is waiting. We can't go too far (just read what the Israelites did!) or stray too long. He is always waiting to take us back. Crazy love. Abundant love.

Makes you want to be faithful, doesn't it? Makes you want to examine your heart and ask, "Where am I cheating?". Lord, I don't want to cause you pain like that. I want to be faithful to that crazy, abundant love that you offer.

The Wooing

The proposal is one of the most romantic moments in life. Much planning and preparation goes into that one moment where the man finally declares not only his love, but his commitment to the girl. The more planning and preparation, the better. Every girl loves a romantic proposal. You know the kind. . he asks her best friend to invite her out for dinner but the friend actually drops her off at a candlelit park where another friend meets her with a towel over her arm to serve them dinner. You get the picture. You know what's fun? Being that friend! The one who gets to be a part of the surprise, who gets to be a small piece of the man pledging his love. That is such a special feeling! What a joy!

In Joshua 1, God speaks to Joshua's fearful heart by saying, "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you." This echoed in my aching heart for the sweet children of Rapha. I began to cry out to the Lord, 'SHOW them. Show them Your love. Show them your promises. Lord, you have promised that you wouldn't leave them. Use your provision to reveal your truth to their hearts"

And then I realized, the LORD is going to use US in His displaying of His love. Actually, this happens all over the board. We get to be that friend. The one who the bridegroom uses in vowing His love. Does that floor you? Put you in tears in amazement and awe?

The GOD OF THE UNIVERSE chooses to use us. Pause to let that sink in. He uses US to demonstrate His love and reveal His truth to those He adores every day. Whether you are participating in Rescue for Rapha or simply befriending your next door neighbor, you have the opportunity to be a part of proposal. Just accept the invitation and drink it in.

Mourning A Fatherless Moses and Our Call

I'm going to miss Moses. He died yesterday. Ok, not really yesterday, but yesterday in my reading and finishing of the book of Deuteronomy! He was an amazing, unlikely leader. . .

He was born during a time of crisis. His mom fought to give him life and had to send him away, praying for life. So much like many women across the world who send their children to orphanages, praying for life to be provided. He was found by an Egyptian princess!

No wonder I like him, he was a TRANSRACIAL ADOPTEE!!! I LOVE God's word and how it speaks to our world today and specifically to my family!

Not only a transracial adoptee but one who ended up in power over his people then used it to free them! Moses may have felt so out of place in his world. . .a Hebrew raised in the palaces of the Pharoah who was enslaving his people. And yet, it is in this difficult mix God raised up a leader. He calls MOSES to lead his people. Moses felt so unworthy. . .he wasn't even a great public speaker and felt so inadequate and yet God used him. Do you need to stop a minute and take that in?! I do.

One thing that is interesting to me in particular as I dwell on Moses' fatherless state is the truth that God used him to speak to the people. A truth about the responsibility of God's people to care for the fatherless among them. Remember, Moses got his word from the Lord and then went out to the people to share it with them. I wonder (and can't wait to ask Moses) how often he just wept when God spoke truths like, "He executes justice for the fatherless and the widow, and loves the sojourner, giving him food and clothing. " (Deut 10:18) Can you imagine how that spoke to Moses' personal life and heart? Then, he got to be a part of God's delivery of that very message to his people!

This "taking care of orphans" thing is not just my passion, it's a calling by God on all of our lives. Now, that will look different for each of us. . .some may adopt, while others sponsor a child and still others develop relationships with the fatherless in their church or neighborhood. I'm not telling you HOW to do it, just that it's a command of God and not just a good idea! Simply read Deuteronomy and you'll see it throughout the whole book. At least 10 times, it is mentioned as a command of the people to give of themselves, their crops, their tithes, their advocacy.

In fact, one of the strongest statements comes in Deuteronomy 27 where the Lord is listing out regulations and speaking simply that "cursed is the man who. . ." This is a list of the worst of the worst. I mean, things I don't want to write here (because my google ads choose based on my word choices!). And, tucked among these commands is "Cursed is the man who withholds justice from the alien, the fatherless or the widow". He takes this seriously! This is right after his stance on cursed is the man who tricks blind people on the road, is incestual with his daughter and who sleeps with his mother in law! Yes, he takes the concept of justice for the fatherless that seriously.

What do we do with that? My question to take to the Lord is "how would I be withholding justice for the fatherless?" or even how am I not living out the laws of giving of myself for the fatherless, the widow and the alien (read stranger or sojourner other places). Remember, it's not about what the answer looks like in your life compared to mine or anyone else's! It's about asking the question and being ready for the answers.

In fact, you can start now. . . begin to pray for the fatherless of Uganda. Specifically, the fatherless who are ministered to by Bethesda Int'l at Rapha Village Orphanage, Rapha Village School and the other children who are ministered to by this amazing group of Ugandan believers. They are in crisis. 357 children with no money for school or food right now. Begin praying for provision and ask God how He might use you. Stay tuned because we will (surprise!) be announcing a way to get involved on Monday. Check Tom Davis' blog as well as mine and others (and hopefully join us in adding it to yours) on Monday for more details!

Let's live God's call. Let's be Jesus' hands and feet to our world. . .and be changed in the process. Moses, I'll miss you. . . but this leads us easily into the first chapter of Joshua and "Be strong and very courageous! Be careful to obey all the law my servand Moses gave you; do not turn to the right or left, that you may be sucessful wherever you go" (Josh 1:7)

Thou Shalt Blog

This is what I recently read in Deuteronomy. . . no, really!

Ok, so it doesn't say that exactly. . but close to it. . .or at least my interpretation =)

Have I ever told you how overwhelming it is for me to be learning a bunch of things all at one time? I'm always looking for how God is going to tie it all together. He is a God of order and so usually when I feel like I'm learning or struggling with a bunch of different things, He has a key lesson in it for me.. . .I'm always looking for how it goes together. weird, maybe.

My friend, Jaymie is doing this Bible reading plan with me as well. She lovingly emails me, "hey, blog about sacrifice!" or some other random thing we are reading about. Well, sacrifice is one of the things I've been struggling through. I KNOW that God intends for all of scripture to be useful for me. To teach me. To reveal Himself. To change me. Which makes sense. . .when you are reading Hebrews! haha Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy???? Those are a little harder.

Chapter upon chapters of Rules and Regulations (which Pastor Jon helped me to see as descriptions of are uncleanliness and His holiness) and LOTS of sacrifice. lovely stuff. And where my thoughts found their struggle. . ..hmmmm, what to learn from chapters on sacrifice?

I was praying about this one morning in the shower (my personal prayer closet! hehe) and I realized something: we doubt sin. Our culture has a hard time even believing that we need God. Oprah tells us that there is nothing bad within us! This wasn't the case for the Israelites. They were constantly reminded of their sinfulness and God's holiness; thus the need for sacrifice.

Maybe we need that little reminder more often! Ok, not that we need to add animal sacrifice! That provision of sacrifice was exchanged for the blood of Jesus once and for all! This is perhaps why confession is mentioned so often in the New Testament. Confession is about realizing that we are sinful, that God is Holy and that HE has provided a plan of redemption.

It changes our perspective. This part of confession and sacrifice changes our perspective on US, which brings me to my next connecting point. . . .

Thou Shalt Blog.

Throughout these books, God tells Moses and Moses tells the people "I am YOUR personal God who brought you out of Egypt." In fact, the entire chapter of Deuteronomy 8 is a record of what God had done for His people. The people were reminded over and over about what God had done for them to remind them of what He WAS doing for them and what He would do for them in the future! This isn't just God's opportunity to brag. . .He had a purpose in this.

The confession part changes my perspective on ME, the remembrance of what He has done changes my perspective on HIM.

Like yesterday when I was struggling and needed to look at the other side of the scales, sometimes I need to remember WHO is on that other side. Jesus. and He's big. and good. This is why I should blog and talk to my friends and hubby regularly. This is why I live in community. To remember. He is God and He is good. I could write chapters about God's goodness to me. I know you can too. . .In fact, how about it? I'd love to read a blog that is a chronicle of God's faithfulness to you.

This is what I want to implement and learn from my time in Leviticus, Numbers and Deuteronomy. . .to gain perspective on ME by spending time in confession and rememberance of my own sin; to gain perspective on HIM by spending time in remembrance of His goodness and Holiness and to remember ""Therefore, we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far ouweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)."

How Dense Am I?

Didn't I just write out 2 days ago,

"Therefore, we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far ouweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)."

Yeah, well. . . .I should have gotten right on actually MEMORIZING that verse. God had to slap me in the face with it this morning as I got into the shower in a rotten mood begging him to change my heart.

You see, yesterday afternoon kinda sucked. I spent 3 hours washing my wood floors by hand, which just makes you hurt. . .and by the way, my floors don't even look all that great now!

Then, as I was getting ready to leave for church my mom called. They have graciously offered me their points for my trip to Uganda. She called to say that Delta wasn't allowing her to transfer points for free!! In fact, although the Delta worker SPECIFICALLY told me (and I asked twice for confirmation) that there would be no charge it was going to cost $.01 per mile. Doesn't seem like much, except when you need 80,000 points per ticket!!! That sent me into a tizzy. I called and talked to 2 different Delta employees who both basically said, "well, we are sorry our employee gave you wrong information but there is nothing we can do" I was crushed. I actually cried while on the phone with Delta! This basically means that if we were transferring ALL of the points needed for one pastor, it would cost us over $1,000 instead of the $115 in taxes that we were thinking. I was sent into a spiral of despair. **Those those of you considering donating points, we did figure that if someone had enough that they were thinking of donating a whole flight, it wouldn't cost us anything extra! Also, if we were just transferring between 2 accounts, where one person had a large amount, then the transfer fee wouldn't be killer (meaning if someone had 50,000 points, so we only had to transfer 30,000, that would bring the $1500 flight down to $400) oh yeah, and AMEX points can still be transferred for free, I think.

THEN, Davis woke up in the middle of the night. After comforting him, I came back to a text from Katie B which stirred me all up to be thinking about Uganda and Rapha for a full hour before falling back asleep.

Do you see the scales tipping in my mind's eye?

This was followed up by an emerging headache that was starting. . . .
6:15 both boys awake. Davis had peed through his diaper and clothes.
I put on a movie and went to get back in bed.
I stepped in pee. Apparently, the dog can't wait.

Yes. . . I was in a BAD mood. When I looked at the scales I found them to be tipping on the side of TROUBLES. What my Jesus graciously pointed out is that I fail to look a the other side of the scale. I imagine it empty. In reality, it is full of Him. Full of His promises to work all things for good. Full of His promises that the troubles are momentary and allowed for specific purposes. And I saw empty. That makes my heart sad. I am sure that it saddened the heart of my Lord when I didn't see Him. I'm thankful that He revealed His truth to me. . .my attitude is changed. . .scratch that, changing This may be a work in progress this morning. The dog has peed again. The other dog destroyed a roll of toilet paper in the boys room that I have yet to clean up and the littles are potty training. Let me say it again,

"Therefore, we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (2 Corinthians 4:16-18).

Exodus and Leviticus

I completely missed blogging about Leviticus! I had SUCH a hard time in this book and have had a harder time in Numbers so far. . but today was a breakthrough day for my relationship with Numbers. haha

First, though (since this is my journal that I'll print off!) I have to mention something so precious from the last few chapters of Exodus. Exodus 34 talks about Moses' time with the Lord. When he would come out, his face would shine so brightly that he actually had to wear a veil around the Israelites. Oh Lord, I want to shine like that. I want people to just SEE Jesus on me. I love my friend, Jackie Sue because she spends her Jesus Time on her front porch and she regularly teases that her family will "send her to the porch" if she's having a rough day. The same is true for me. . .I know that people can tell if I HAVEN'T spent time with the Lord. . .but can they tell when I have. Will my intimacy with the Lord so change me that it is apparent? Jesus, I want that to be true!!!! It was such a precious lesson from the end of Exodus. Man, I never thought I would love that book as much as I did this time around. I was SOOOOOO sad to enter Leviticus!

Have I told you that if you are following this Bible reading plan (3 chapters a day and 5 on Sundays. . start now!), you should bookmark Pastor Jon's blog? Let's just say that a number of times during Leviticus I emailed him saying, "I sure hope you are going to blog about this because I have NO clue what I should be learning here!"
Tidbits from Leviticus:

• 5:1 When you witness a wrong, you are required to testify about it. . .it is a sin not too! I didn't realize this was in the Bible.
• He is All about relationship. Over and over again, HE reminded them about their relationship saying, "I AM the LORD your GOD, who rescued you from Egypt".
• We are unclean. . .I had a real struggle finding something to learn in all of the ceremonial cleansing chapters, but Pastor Jon pointed this one out. Just a reminder, we are unclean and do nothing that grants us passage into the Holy of Holies
• He is in the business of making all things clean. No matter how unclean the issue was, He had a solution for it. I wonder if He was showing them HOPE? Don't worry. . .HE can make all things new / clean.
  

Man, I'm thankful for Pastor Jon! Thanks for helping me see the bigger picture and using my time in Leviticus (of all books) to promote intimacy in my time with Jesus and remembering that I am unclean, but He is in the business of relationship with me and making me clean!

This is long enough. . I'll do a whole blog about Numbers tomorrow! I know. . you are sitting on the edge of your seat, huh?

Living in the Tension between poverty and wealth.. .agh

I struggle with my post from this morning. I think it's a "living in the tension" thing (yes, I know, I'm obsessed with Pastor Jon's axioms). I don't want to be a "you can't live in America" kind of person who just trashes this country and our money. . .or who doesn't see the needs of the Rich. Because I do. . I really do. I think some people are blessed financially to live in "that world" so as to be a light in a dark place. I think the person shopping at Tiffany's needs Jesus just as much as the little girl dying in Africa. But, I also know that I'll answer for how I spent HIS money. I know that something just seems wrong when (in Amy's words from her comment) "my children eat like royalty while theirs starve to death."

How do we find the balance? Maybe this struggle is the balance. Maybe it is in never being comfortable in this world. . .in longing for balance . . .in living an awareness. . .and asking the Lord each time. My problem is being ok with it when He does allow me to spend. When He says, "go out with your hubby and DON'T give him a dirty look when he orders an appetizer, salad and dessert". That's where I sometimes need balance too.

here's my thought from today. . while eating dinner~
Did our parents kind of mess us up with the rule /phrase, "eat everything on your plate because there are children dying in Africa" ? (my mom didn't actually have this rule, but many did and we were trying to enforce it with Brayden tonight)

I think it was intended to bring gratefulness for provision. . .but did it? Most of us ended with "so send it!" knowing that wasn't a possiblity.

So, could it have (in a subconcious way) pushed our nation to "consume everything in front of you"? That's basically what we told Brayden. Eat what's on your plate. Consume.

Well, we couldn't send our leftover mac n cheese to Africa. . .but we grew up to be consumers of everything in front of us.

now, the Lord is asking the same question of our money or time or talents or resources. Are you going to eat all of that?

because this time. . .

we can choose

to send it, give it, or use it.

“When the story of these times gets written, we want it to say that we did all
we could, and it was more than anyone could have imagined.” (Bono)

What? The plagues aren't the script for a horror movie?

I'm pretty sure that growing up, I read the plagues and thought of it like a science fiction movie. Blast: you have a river of blood. Bang: you have locusts. Kaboom: boils
Last night, it came alive for me in a whole new way.

I was a little behind on my Bible Reading Plan so I had to catch up a bit. This meant I got to read Exodus 1-13 last night. At first, I thought the (unfortunate) usual, "aw man. . .how am I going to get through that much" However, it simply came alive for me last night with the words leaping off of the pages and into my heart.

If you have time, I would HIGHLY encourage you to go read this! Read Exodus 3-11 in particular (it seems like a lot but it will FLY by!).

The Journey to Freedom can be Painful ~
Exodus 2 ends with God hearing the cries of the oppressed. This rings as such an encouragement to me and a reminder that as He puts a passion in my heart for the oppressed and forgotten it is because they are on HIS heart. They may seem "forgotten" in this world, but they certainly are not. oooh, are you loving him?

The LORD raises up Moses to lead the people out of slavery and into freedom. However, as soon as Moses approaches Pharoah it seems the opposite happens. Pharoah tells the overseers to UP their work load, having them make the same amount of bricks but needing to collect their own straw now too. The people did NOT get this. They complained to Moses, "The Lord look on you and judge you for what you have done." Can you imagine Moses' pain? Can you imagine the Lord's?! And, it doesn't get any easier for a while. Next come the plagues, which don't directly affect the Israelites but certainly affected them emotionally! I'm sure they had some care for at least a few Egyptians! Besides the fact that these were their employers and if the Israelites didn't believe that true freedome was coming, life kept looking bleaker and bleaker. This path to freedom was NOT an easy road.

This is so often true in our own lives. The path to freedom of any kind is littered with pain. The path to freedom from sin, to freedom from addiction, to freedom from the lies of the enemy that we have believed. . .even advocating for freedom for others comes at a price and with its own pain. However, the freedom that the Lord has in store during these times is worth it. "You will know the truth and the truth will set you FREE" (John 8:31)

His gentle mercy and compassion~
I have always seen the plagues as random acts of punishment. I hadn't read closely enough to see just how sweet the Lord was being. The Lord says that He will have to send plagues so that the Egyptians will KNOW that He is Lord. He is making His name known. This isn't about being mean, this is about turning people's hearts to the God of the Universe. After each plague, Pharoah calls them in, confesses that the LORD is God and repents. The plagues lift. Do you see God's mercy there? He acts immediately when Pharoah confesses HIS name. However, Pharoah turns again and changes his mind. He is warned. He is asked. He denies both the LORD and the Israelites their freedom. Then, another plague is brought down. Each time, it happens the same way. This isn't some superhero God who points His finger and sends fire. He guided Moses and Aaron to give chance after chance. His mercy prevailed each time to the very point of breaking. Then, he HAD to make the choice to bring consequences so that in the end their hearts would be reached. I wonder, if this is why the Lord hardened Pharoah's heart? Was it about the thousands of Egyptian's hearts? Was HE looking to make His name great among them and it took just that many plagues to turn their hearts towards Him? I tend to think so. We never see Pharoah's heart truly turned. He kicks the Israelites out for sure. . but turns around and follows them (my reading for tomorrow!). However, the section ends with a couple of interesting comments. It says that the Egyptians were favorable towards the Israelites and that Moses and Aaron were well-respected and liked among the Egyptian officials. I wonder if their hearts had turned to know that the LORD is GOD?

What looks from the outside like a horror movie, upon closer inspection seems to be a display of God's mercy and movement. An outpouring of His heart for people, both the Egyptians and the Israelites. A tender, but extremely difficult decision of a Father. I can picture Him thinking of the Egyptians, "Oh Children, please choose the right path. I love you and do NOT want to discipline you. But, I will. My name MUST be known. For your own good." I wonder if He was also thinking, "Oh Israel, remember this. Know and believe my power and my passion for you. I know your hearts and how quickly you will turn back to your selfish ways. PLEASE see my power and my love and remember these moments. Remember how the lengths I went to for your FREEDOM"

PS: If you haven't yet, check out my post HERE about Aprons for Africa. Either GO THERE and order an apron for yourself or better yet. . .take part in our Apron Auction HERE that ends WEDNESDAY NIGHT at 10 pm. Pretty please!

Seeing. . .

I'm often trying to tie together loose ends. I always like to be learning something. . . but, when you are struggling through different issues, spending time at different places in the Word and working on things in many areas of your life, it can be hard to come up with the main thing God is trying to teach you. This week, it's about seeing.

Pastor Jon has recently challenged us to join his new Bible reading plan. He is doing 3 chapters a day and 5 on Sundays. What makes it interesting is his suggestion to do one morning reading, one mid-day and one evening chapter. This helps God's Word to permeate your day. For me, it is also creating greater levels of intimacy as I interact with His Word and His truth throughout the day! He's also blogging about almost every chapter, so you can pop on by to his blog and read his (much deeper than mine) thoughts and challenges!

I started a bit later than he did, so I had to jump into chapter 35 to get caught up. I had just finished the first 15 chapters, so I just have to add a chapter here or there from 15-35 to read what I missed. . .although I'm pretty familiar with Genesis after doing Beth Moore's The Patriarchs (which I HIGHLY recommend. . .and I was in. . but that's for another story).

Can I tell you. . I am LOVING Genesis. The stories are so captivating! The action / adventure / romance and intrigue always get me. And. . .I have to say that I agree with Pastor Jon and usually pretty much don't like Jacob at all! (although some of my greatest lessons have come from him!)

The last few days, we have been in Genesis 37-46 which recount the stories of Joseph going to Egypt. Today, I finished early (I read WAY ahead yesterday because I just couldn't put it down!) so I went back to read Genesis 17. This is where the multiple lessons came crashing together.

Enter Hagar. A maidservant (already not my favorite life), GIVEN to her mistress' husband to have sex with (lovely, huh) who then gets upset with her mistress (duh), the mistress then decides to abuse her (uh, Sarai, wasn't this your idea to begin with?). She runs away.

Can you imagine the pain that Hagar has gone through? My heart aches for this woman. She must feel so used, so thrown away. . .so. . unseen.

Then, the angel of the Lord enters the scene and comforts her. He gives his blessing and sends her back on her way. Her response? "I have now seen the ONE who SEES ME."

Does that make your heart skip a beat? THE ONE WHO SEES ME. He has never forgotten. No matter if I am paying attention that day or not. . .he has not stopped paying attention to me. How precious is our Lord?!

That reminded me of Joseph's journey. He had his fair share of highs and lows. Being a prideful little brat. Being sold by his brothers. Being a slave. Given a chance. Being wrongfully accused. Being thrown in jail. Given a chance to rise up. Given a change to interpret dreams. Being forgotten. and finally, Given a chance to rise in power in Egypt only to confront the very same men who once sold him.

No matter what he went through, God was present. You get the sense that Joseph realized that. You get the sense that Joseph developed intimacy in the hard times instead of a bitter and cold heart. You get that he felt the eyes of the Lord upon him in the good and the bad. When finally given the chance for revenge. . .his comment was that it was the LORD who had sent him to Egypt and for the brothers not to blame themselves.

The One who sees me. How can I remember that this week? How can I live in greater intimacy? I want to continue to surrender all to my Lord. To surrender my plans, my dreams, my loved ones, my hopes for the future, my security, my gifts and talents, my time. . .all to HIM I long to surrender so that I LIVE int he truth that he is the ONE who sees me and in HIM will I place my trust.

Tonight, I had a great visual. I had talked to my friend, Kim on the way home. She was getting ready to head out the door to present the Uganda opportunity to her church leadership. I knew I wouldn't be able to think of anything else so I headed out running. I was listening to Steven Curtis Chapman's "My Surrender" and praying for her words, her peace and mostly of her surrender to whatever God's will was (knowing how much of her heart's desire is to go on this trip) and was praying the same things for myself. I suddenly realized. . .Kim is doing this same thing on her drive to the church. We live MANY states away. . and today about 80 degrees!. . .but tonight, we sat in the throne room shoulder to shoulder lifting our sacrifices to our King. To the ONE who sees us and cares about every little thing.

**ps: sorry this was so long. . I just can't help but record for history what Jesus is teaching me! And. . .I'm pretty long winded! hehe

Newness. . .in my year, life and gardens

Jesus breaks from the norm to share Truth in the form of parables in Matthew 13. His first parable starts as a gardening parable. The new year seems to be perfect timing to speak of gardening and newness of life. While most of you live somewhere in the middle of winter and couldn't consider planting a new flower bed. . .this is exactly what we did today. My sweet husband went straight from lunch (with his awesome friend Cory! Thanks Cory) to Home Depot to redo our front flowerbed. We both hate the work. . but man we love the outcome! It will serve as a reminder this year of the parable of the seed, soil and sower that was discussed today in church.

Pastor Jon did a great job dissecting this little nugget of scripture and challenging us to review the soil of our lives. Why don't you join me in asking the Lord this week what the soil of your life looks like. . .and how He may want to make all things new this year?

There are 4 types of soil mentioned and Pastor Jon described them as 4 types of people:
1. Hard Soil: having a determined heart that nothing will penetrate or change it. . .this could be your entire life (i.e. refusing to give Him control) or various areas where you refuse to change or even don't believe that He can change things.

2. Rocky Soil: Truth comes. . .but because of the rocky soil. . i.e. the hardships of life, the worries and cares of this world that are so focused on. . .it never gets the chance to sink in.

3. Shallow Soil: This person receives truth quickly and joyfully. . .however, (don't you just hate that word sometimes!) the lack of a root system and regular application of truth, the truth quickly fades away and gets choked out. This person thinks truth is a great idea, but when the rubber meets the road and hard times come, the shallow root system is revealed.

4. Fertile Soil: Hearing the word of Truth and being changed by it. . simple as that!

What kind of soil do you have? Are there areas of your life, like mine, that have different soil composition? Areas where the life of God, the newness of His presence doesn't find root and bloom?

Pastor Jon didn't stop there. . .he also gave us ideas on how to cultivate the soil of your life.

1. Plow up new ground through questions and dialogue. Basically, live out the very real truth that you do NOT have it all figured out. Allow yourself and others to probe into deep places. Look for opportunities to ask God to "search my heart and know me, test me and know my anxious thoughts; see if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting. " (Psalm 139:23-24)

2. Fertilize with Faith. Is my life lived out in an arena of faith? Am I doing things and asking things and involved in things that REQUIRE the presence of God? Or, do I try to live a life that I can control?

3. Nurture Growth with Application. Live OUT the word being taught. The rocky, hard and shallow soils are living out the verses in James 1:22-24 but the Fertile Soil person lives out vs 25

"2But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. ²³For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. ²⁴For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. ²⁵But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing."

4. Keep Spreading the Seed: Our soil is kept and made fertile for growth through the spreading of the kingdom! We get to be a part of HIS work in others' lives and are changed in the process.


Isn't that challenging? I hope that every time I pass my beautiful new flowers that I might stop and ask the Lord to speak to my heart. Where is there rocky soil that I am allowing the worries of this life to quench the Spirit of Truth? Where is the shallow soil where I look like I'm taking in truth but I'm not actually applying it and deepening the roots system of truth in my life. I pray that this new year will bring newness in many areas of my life. That the Lord will reveal dead growth, remove it and replace it with newness of Life. That He will bring me to deeper levels of trust with Him and will take out more of Brandi and replace it with more of Jesus. I pray the same for you.

Overwhelmed

This morning I was feeling overwhelmed. Easily this happens. I begin to think of everything on my plate, on my to do list, on my "I want to do" list and I soon feel like I'm drowning. The tears begin to flow. The enemies lies begin to settle in. . ."you'll never get it all done", "your kids will suffer", "your house looks like crap", "you are too much", "you aren't enough" and on and on he tries to convince me. I believe him quickly. I turn inward and think of myself. I want to throw off all of my responsibilities and believe that no one has it this hard. . .no one understands. If they think my house should be cleaner, "try doing that with 3 kids in tow" I think to myself to justify it. . .how could I possibly get it all done. . .the church work, the quality time with my precious little ones, raising money for clean water, KidsLake, Uganda and the weekly things that arise. . .oh you know, friendships, getting ready for Wheel of Fortune, eating. . .

Yes, that is what made the tears flow this morning as I lay in bed wondering what to "get accomplished" today.

And then. . .God hits me in the face with a 2 x 4. Through Jody's blog. She posted this:

Furah carries wood and her eighteen-month-old daughter Shukyru, on
the road linking Rupango to Sake, eastern Congo, Wednesday Nov. 19, 2008. Furah
walks the 16 kms every day, crossing from the CNDP rebel controlled area to the
government held town of Sake to sell wood.” (AP Photo/Jerome Delay)

It crashed over me like a wave. . .my responsibilities are nothing. My lists. . .my "to do's" are nothing compared to hers. In her list, if she doesn't get it all done. . .her children die. period.

My overwhelmed heart is simply a matter of my eyes turning inward. I remember again the lesson that the Lord taught me about "For the Joy Set Before Him. . ." So, I choose this day. To allow HIM to carry my burdens. To choose to set my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of my faith. To choose to focus on the truth. Everything I on my list is a privilege. I am blessed to have the honor of raising these beautiful babies.

I am humbled and awed that God chooses to use my in amazing Church body.

I am thankful that I have the chance to have a home that I can clean

I am beyond grateful that He allows me to be a small part of what He is doing in the lives or precious ones across the globe.

And so I sit. . .in my bed, among my covers. . .and I regroup. I retrain the eyes of my heart. I refocus my heart. I confess my sin and my self focus and my belief of the enemies lies. I remember His truth. I will soak in this for a few minutes before getting up to begin my day. I pray that my day will be full of remembering these truths. How I long to go about my day with patience for my children, joy in my responsibilities and unbelievable awe that the Lord would choose to use my in any way shape or form and that above all, He desires more and more relationship with me.

Provision

The truth is that I have not had to lean on God's provision (financially speaking) a lot in my life. I was too young to really remember my parents struggling years. I have heard stories and know the stories of provision, but certainly don't remember it. Since then, I have basically been married. Greg and I worked until we had children and since then Greg's job has provided for us. With him on commission and buying into a business, certainly there has been uncertainty at times.. . .but never the prospect of no food.

Now, I believe God is teaching me about provision. While I have enough money to feed my family, I do NOT have enough money to feed all of the children of Uganda and Liberia. I do not have the money to fund any of the amazing projects that we come across. So, I wait. I wait on God's provision. and, it's hard! When you really care about something, someone or even a group of someone's, your heart is broken by their need. I take their hunger, their lack of healthcare and clean water to heart. It breaks me. It burdens my heart. I want to provide for these children like my own. and I can't. Oh yes, I can do my part and save the money we do have. . .but without God's provision and HIM calling others to get involved, it's just not enough. This leaves me feeling lacking, uncertain and quite frankly scared at times.

I know that He is sovereign and that He owns a cattle on a thousand hills. Yet, I also know that we live in a sinful world. . .could He be calling and people aren't listening? Could I not be listening to Him closely enough to know who I should tell about the need? Is it His plan for their needs to go unmet?

I was listening to Chris Tomlin's "My Deliverer" last night and it struck me hard. He sings about when times are tough, "YOU are my deliverer" when the needs compound, I go to YOU and YOU are the only one who meets them. I was convicted. So often, when I see need I try to meet it. When the needs overwhelm me, I try harder. I buckle down and write more people. Instead, so often I need to realize that HE wants me to get out of His way. Yes, He may choose to use me in a small way. . but it's not about me, it's about HIM meeting the needs of HIS precious children. HE will be their Deliverer. I must stand in that truth. I must wait patiently for HIS provision, for HIS movement. It is not easy. To love the least means to love those going without and to hurt for them deeply. It also means that I get to sit on the sidelines and watch God provide in miraculous ways.

Vacations? A Ugandan Perspective

We had a fabulous Thanks and Giving PlayDate, a wonderful NEW holiday called "Feastavus", a relaxing Thanksgiving Day and a CRAZY up all night, shop but don't really spend any money Black Friday (from 12-4 am!). . .but, alas, I'll wait till I have great pictures to share those thoughts! For now, I want to share something that was on my friend Katie's blog. She is the one who moved to Uganda and adopted from Liberia. I met up with her in Uganda, so you guys heard about her and saw pics of her and her sweet kids. She is now settled in Uganda and blogging. I encourage you to check it out. This story is about her trip to Uganda and her conversation with a Ugandan man named Peter. Peter grew up in Uganda, went away to college in NYC and is returning to his home country now. . . .Here is Katie's recounting of an impactful conversation they had:

"One of his topics of discussion was how Americans spend their money. Now, just as a word of warning, I do not write any of this as a judgment on anyone, nor did Peter speak of these issues in judgment or bitterness towards people. He spoke in love and out of his longing to understand. I also do not write this in anyway to guilt anyone, not even myself. I am sharing this because it has challenged my heart and caused me to think.While Peter was in NYC he was befriended by many American families that are now his life long friends. But what he wondered about…What he sat up at night pondering about….was……How does an American spend $10,000 (could be way more or much less) on a weekend vacation? Or a family vacation? He had heard story after story of families’ vacations to the Caribbean, S. America, Europe, or where ever and he picked up on the cost of such trips. He sat through power point slides shows in people’s dining rooms while sipping tea, and flipped through photo album after photo album of beautiful landscapes and sun drenched smiling faces. And he wondered……Did they not know? Were they not aware of the suffering in other countries? Did they not know about all the AIDS orphans unable to afford ARV’s? Were they not aware of the famines? Had they not heard about the starvation and the displaced people groups living in refugee camps? Did they miss the news of thousands of children dying from malaria? Were they not informed about the lack of clean drinking water for so many of their brothers and sisters? Did they not know? Were they not told? Because surely if they knew, they would do something about it,…. right? Surely they would not turn their backs on them? Could not mere ten American dollars save the life of a child who does not have a mosquito net? Couldn’t a few hundred dollars help change the lives of many? Peter truly believed that these people must really not know. His heart is comforted in believing this. Because surely Americans, surely we wouldn’t choose to let people suffer and starve while we para-sail in the Caribbean, feast on buffets, and sip margaritas on exotic beaches.
Would we?
Would I?
...it's something to think about. Its interesting how other cultures perceive our choices and our lifestyles (the other thing he spoke about was how people love their pets better than they love other people). Part of the reason I share this is not because I think family vacations are wrong, but because I think it helps us see into our own culture. One thing Jeff and I learned in some of our mission's training is that before you can be a student of other cultures, you need to be a student of your own. These are wise words and it's helped me to see and consider how others see our culture - and view me for that matter. Check out the following website http://www.globalrichlist.com/. Though we were not surprised, Jeff and I fell out of our chairs, when we saw where we fit in the worlds economy"


That recounted conversation has stuck with me. . .but it hit closer to home when reading Erin's blog. It's easy to read the above and think, "oh my, he's right. I can't believe how SOME people spend their money." Instead, we should each look to ourselves. I love how Erin doesn't have a ton of money. . certainly doesn't spend frivilously at all. . but keeps asking the question of the Lord. Ponder this. . .let me know your thoughts.