Just so you know, THIS is not the face I get every day! It is the face I'm working for. Truthfully, today was pretty difficult. We had a great morning visiting and orphanage in town that is ridiculously poor. Think 30 girls sleeping 2 to a bunk in a bedroom not much bigger than your own with not one toy in sight. I'll post more about them tomorrow with the pictures we took. However, for now, I think I'm just going to post my journal for today. Just keep praying for us!
Today has been hard, to say the least. Davis was shrinking from my touch and would not let me hold him at all. The other two girls with us have both adopted before and have lots of experience. They suggested that I take him and hold him tight until he stops crying. . .a bit of "attachment therapy". Well, we were in the car and he was crying with Greg, so we figured it was a fine time to try. He threw a royal tantrum. Screaming, crying, arching his back. . he even bit me a number of times and grabbed at my face so hard that I think I'm bruised. It was one of the hardest things I've ever experienced. I knew he'd struggle, but it sucks to hold your child whom you love and have him absolutely freak out b/c he doesn't know or like you. I know I have to teach him to trust me and love me but it's so hard. No child should have to learn to love their mother. I just cried. . pretty much bawling in the back of a car holding down this child until he fell asleep. I cried b/c it hurts to know he doesn't like me yet and I have to "teach him" to like me. I cried b/c he shouldn't have to go through that. I cried b/c he doesn't know that this is best. I cried b/c there are so many other orphans that will never experience this. I was a mess. He even cried so hard that he threw up on me. It was worse than labor with Gracie. I'm crying right now writing it. I just needed to share with you guys. You are such a foundation for me. I love you so much and am more thankful than I can ever express for your care and your prayers.
I know this time will pass. I know he will grow to love me. . .in fact, we've done it a number of times now and he's asleep in my arms. I can just imagine what it will be like for him to want to be here instead of being forced. It's so a picture of what we're like with God. Davis would choose, if he could, to go back to his nannies at the orphanage. To live in the comfortable even though there is NO future for him here. The nicest places we've seen here are worse than our inner-cities. Isn't that just like us? We choose to remain comfortable b/c the road to holiness is difficult. We choose to live in the slums b/c the road to paradise is a difficult one. Oh Jesus, Change us that we may choose the difficult path so that you may bring us closer to home and to you. . . .
Brandi
24 comments:
You are an AMAZING mom!!! One day he will rise up and call you blessed...and very soon I pray his heart will connect with yours...and his love and actions will amaze you!
Teresa
GREAT analogy, Brandi! And I know you know this, but remember that it's VERY common for orphans to bond more-so to the Dad for a while, because they have the idea (from being taken care of by female nannies) that women come and go. Love you!!
-Jamie Z. :0)
I love you so much. I hurt that you hurt.
Oh, I'm so sorry you are going through such a hard time! You are such a wonderful person and a very brave mother. Your instincts will lead the way (and of course some great attachment books).
Chris
Hang in there Brandi...I've logged on to loads of other blogs(from your blog might I add!) from families that have gone through similar situation and sooner or later they always get to the point where their baby reaches for them or finally calls them "Mama."
He will call you mama and he will love you both so much!
Brandi,
Jamie is so right. Orphans often will test the mom to see if she is going to leave like all of the other women in their lives. As hard as it is, keep holding him. Show him that no matter what he does to you, he can't make you go away. I pray God will help you to see his heart and the fear he is experiencing. I pray for you for strength. Hang in there, girl. It will get better.
Hang in there, Brandi. You are doing the right thing and he will love you for it. Know that the tears you cry now will be such a strong testimony for the Lord later on. Lean on Greg and remain in prayer. God is there for you. He knows your heart. His blessing is just beyond the pain. We are all crying along with you and praying without ceasing. Praise God for his mercy and grace.
Love you!
Denise in Orlando
We are praying for you! I can't imagine how hard that must be. I was crying just reading what you went through. God is good though. What a great analogy of us and God. We love you all!
Oh that made me cry.....:( I am sorry that you and little man have to go through this. From reading I have done, what he is going through is VERY common. You probably know this already. I am praying for you guys. That would be so so hard. Thank you for being SO honest Brandi.
Luv ya,
Jen
Oh what a beautiful analogy. What a sacred, holy, awesome opportunity you have to love as God loves... and to feel what God feels as He loves us. Though you don't know me, please know that I am praying for you and for your sweet son as he learns what unconditional love means.
Bran, I'm sorry this is so hard. Eddie feels your pain :) This too shall pass, but at the time it feels forever. Hang in there. We are all praying. love you, js
I'm praying for your mommy heart tonight. I know that must hurt, but be persistent. He will learn to trust you. Love, Missy
Oh, Bran, I can't even imagine. I love ya and I'm hurting with you. I know how that must break your heart. Way to keep a good perspective on the whole thing, but it doesn't change that there is grieving in the midst. Love ya!
Whew! I'm crying with you :-( I couldn't agree more with Denise about you and Greg leaning on each other during this time. This is such an amazing and life changing time for you both. I love that you are able to write all of this out. How fun it will be to look back on the journey the Lord had for you! Know that we are praying for you and can't wait to have you home! On a happier note, Davis could not be any cuter!! Oh.... that smile!
Love you much, Brooke
Oh, my heart is just aching for your mama's heart! I am so sorry you are having to go through this, even if it is common (it certainly doesn't make it any easier just because it is common!!)... I will be praying so hard for you guys the next couple days -- may God cover all of you with his love and grace. It really is a clear analogy -- a difficult one, but very clear. Thanks for sharing so honestly so we can all join in prayer.
I am really looking forward to talking after you get home.
We'll keep praying that you are able to see everything you need to while you are there.
Love you and I am praying!
Amber
Sweet Brandi, of all the women in the world, God has chosen YOU for this moment. He is so very proud of you and He doesn't want you to hurt one second longer than it takes to fulfill the plan He's created...a plan that will heal your broken heart...and Davis'.
What an encouragement you are to me!! I am in your prayer army.
I am sending you giant hugs and kisses, sweetheart. I know how hard this is right now. I am going through this very thing with Noelle. I don't want to scare you into realizing that you may have to go through this again when they are teenagers, but whew! My heart was hurting and relating to yours as I read your blog. God knows how hard a parents job is and He CHOSE you and Greg for Davis. God has entrusted that precious boy to you both! How cool is that? It will get better. I will be praying for all 3 of you!
Brandi,
We are praying for you-you are doing an amazing thing! Just keep loving on him-it will soon be rewarded -and we'll keep lifting you up in prayer
Julie L.
Oh, my sweet beautiful friend...tears come to my eyes every time I read your blog (and I know you are shocked to know that I do :). I can't imagine going through what you are right now, and yet what an amazing picture you have created for all of us - that picture of us and Christ. You are truly an awesome testimony of His overflowing, overpowering love...it won't be long before little man Davis won't want to be anywhere else but in your lap - I know it! - Renae in AR
Okay - I just had to leave another comment because I just figured out that I can!!! YEAH - I feel so accomplished to join the tec age! Love, love, love you and can't wait to give you and Davis, and Greg and Bray and Gracie great big hugs...oh I hope it won't be long! Renae
Brandi, bless your heart, you and Greg are doing a great thing for both your family and for Davis. You all are in our prayers and I know once he gets to know you all he will understand the love you've had for him before he was yours! Hang in there!!
You know I never thought about how hard it is to bond w/ your kid. I jst never even thought about that. My mind is racing at the prospect of what lies ahead for you! What joy will come out of this! God is good.. Wow Brandi, your in my thoughts and prayers girl. Praying...
Brandi, your story reminds me of my good friend who just went through this about 16 months ago. Just today, I wished I could send you a photo of a sweet, loving little 5 year old boy who, when he first met his new parents, could only kick and scream in anger (for two straight weeks!), much like Henry Davis. This too shall pass...you are doing the right thing, even if it is painful. But one day, not too far off, you will look at your loving son, and think back on these days, and rejoice at the work God has done in your and your son's life and relationship. Praying for you, Patty in Chicago
This post too brings back memories. When we brought home our (then) 3 1/2 yo little girl....it was very trying to say the least.....We had some pretty "intense" times. There are a couple books I reccomend.. Parenting the Adopted Child, Toddler Adoption :A Weavers Craft, When love is not enough by Nancy Thomas. Nancy's book deals with kids that have RAD but I used many of her techniques and it helped me to understand where my littles were coming from. You are doing a great job! On those nights when you are up in tears praying for God to lead you through, remind yourself to depend on Him! He brought yoru family together and he promises us in 1cor that He will not give us anything we can not handle!
Angela
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