Getting Real

I have referred to myself in the past as a "coper". . .someone who basically took what came my way and handled it. I probably even prided myself on this. Well, it's time to be honest. I've had a hard time coping. These last few weeks have been rough, to say the least. Most of it has been compounded by the lack of sleep. From the time we've come home, Davis hasn't slept through the night (except for last night) ok he's crying now. . I'll be back. . .ok, now I'm blogging from his room. He wakes up in the middle of the night and kind of freaks if he doesn't see me. He also has to have me sitting next to him while he falls asleep at nap time. This combines to mean not a lot of time free for me. This would be a bit stressful for anyone. . .But, then you add Gracie! My daughter is stinkin' adorable. She talks a mile a minute (way ahead of her age in conversation) and is so cute. However, she is one of the neediest kids I know. She basically follows me around whining and begging to "hold you" all day long. So, now I have 2 who do that! This combines to mean that someone is touching me almost all the time.

I haven't handled this well. . .to say the least. I have found myself super overwhelmed. Not knowing how I could do it another day. I've been on the verge of tears many days.

I have given lipservice to my Jesus. All along, I've said that I can't do it without Him. And yet, I have attempted that very thing. Not that I didn't talk to Him. .or better said, beg all day long for help, but I wasn't relying on Him. Not really. I was still thinking that "the coper" could handle it. I just needed time to adjust. Then, on Wednesday I was talking to a fellow adoptive mom who just came home. She was confessing that she too felt overwhelmed and couldn't cope. It was so freeing. We talked and confided in each other for a long time. We even talked about how we had to look past behavior and see the kids heart and their pain. Then, that night it hit me. "Cast the vision". . .this is a phrase I've used often with my volunteer teams. Whenever we meet, we try to remember the vision. . .why God has called us to this. . .what plans He may have, etc. I needed to do this very same thing with Davis. All of a sudden it hit me. . .(warning: this is a super obvious truth and it may seem dumb to you that I didn't get it at first. . however, I am sleep deprived and am claiming "placenta brain" just like any new mom!)

"THIS IS A GOD SIZED TASK" Yep, that's the big truth. We are not talking about taking out the trash here. We are talking about asking God to use me to heal the heart of a wounded little orphan from a 3rd world country who has been hungry, possibly neglected, who knows how treated, abandoned (twice in his eyes) and moved halfway across the world to people who "claim" to love him and never leave him. Add to that helping a 20 month old who already thinks she needs her mama's undivided attention and adding a little boy who is taking a big 'ole chunk of it. And, a 3 year old who is now the big boy and asked to help in things all the time and is now the "head" of a tiny little gang!

Only God can accomplish that through ME. I am just me. I am sinful and stupid and not adept at healing anyone! So, God's gonna have to do it. I just have to surrender. . .not that this is easy, but it can happen. And, if it does. . .if I surrender my rights and my needs and my desires and ask God (the God who created the Universe) to work through me. . .He will. He will choose to use my inept hands and cuddle His precious creations. He will choose to use my unworthy mouth to speak His truth as a balm to hurting hearts. He will choose to use me. Why? Because He loves me and chooses to allow me to be a part of His work, just so I can get to know Him more. . .it's kind of a take your daughter to work day. Every day! I can choose to go with my daddy to work, or just pout.