The truth is that I have not had to lean on God's provision (financially speaking) a lot in my life. I was too young to really remember my parents struggling years. I have heard stories and know the stories of provision, but certainly don't remember it. Since then, I have basically been married. Greg and I worked until we had children and since then Greg's job has provided for us. With him on commission and buying into a business, certainly there has been uncertainty at times.. . .but never the prospect of no food.
Now, I believe God is teaching me about provision. While I have enough money to feed my family, I do NOT have enough money to feed all of the children of Uganda and Liberia. I do not have the money to fund any of the amazing projects that we come across. So, I wait. I wait on God's provision. and, it's hard! When you really care about something, someone or even a group of someone's, your heart is broken by their need. I take their hunger, their lack of healthcare and clean water to heart. It breaks me. It burdens my heart. I want to provide for these children like my own. and I can't. Oh yes, I can do my part and save the money we do have. . .but without God's provision and HIM calling others to get involved, it's just not enough. This leaves me feeling lacking, uncertain and quite frankly scared at times.
I know that He is sovereign and that He owns a cattle on a thousand hills. Yet, I also know that we live in a sinful world. . .could He be calling and people aren't listening? Could I not be listening to Him closely enough to know who I should tell about the need? Is it His plan for their needs to go unmet?
I was listening to Chris Tomlin's "My Deliverer" last night and it struck me hard. He sings about when times are tough, "YOU are my deliverer" when the needs compound, I go to YOU and YOU are the only one who meets them. I was convicted. So often, when I see need I try to meet it. When the needs overwhelm me, I try harder. I buckle down and write more people. Instead, so often I need to realize that HE wants me to get out of His way. Yes, He may choose to use me in a small way. . but it's not about me, it's about HIM meeting the needs of HIS precious children. HE will be their Deliverer. I must stand in that truth. I must wait patiently for HIS provision, for HIS movement. It is not easy. To love the least means to love those going without and to hurt for them deeply. It also means that I get to sit on the sidelines and watch God provide in miraculous ways.