Friday, May 8, 2009

My heart is torn

I'm back!  A friend of mine twittered me and said, "welcome back. . .I was going to say Welcome Home but home is where your heart is and. . ."  This is so true.  While I am thrilled to be here with my husband, my kids and my friends, family and church, I have also left a part of my heart half a world away.  I guess this means I have two homes.  The American dream, huh?

I think that at this point I will always be missing something.  When I am here, I miss Africa terribly.  When I am there I miss my friends and family here.  I'm trying to let this be a reminder of how my heart is meant to ache.  We are never supposed to be comfortable and at ease, but longing for a life of fulfillmen
t that can only be found in Jesus when we get to heaven.  

For now. . I feel ruined once again.  Gloriously ruined for sure.  I will never forget or regret the experience of entering if only for a moment the suffering of others.  I will chose to remember their faces.   It may make me an awkward American and force me to live between two worlds and the tension that causes, but I believe it's worth it.  I can't pretend I haven't seen this.  I used to calculate everything in $7 increments. . .what am I going to do now that I know we can feed someone a meal for $0.17 ?  How do I justify that in my mind?  How do I comprehend that we have been given much. . . .and we aren't sharing very well with our brothers and sisters?  My heart aches.

Coming home isn't easy. . .I don't know where home is anymore.  Thank you for all of you who DO make this feel like home and if you're reading this (Joseph). . .pass on all my thanks to those in Uganda who certainly made that feel like home too.  

PS Keep checking back, I have many more Uganda posts coming in the next week or so. . .still processing a lot.  I also have videos and photos I'm working on (since I'm up at 3:45 today)


Beautiful Mess said...

Living in the "tension" difficult, yet beautiful.

Love you! Thank you for sharing.

We are on board! Collecting, hoping to go. Hoping to be ruined, more than we are.

Jackie Sue said...

That is one beautiful word, what a face!

Jman's momma said...

so here I am wondering what do I say to you for bringing me in?

My selfish side that wants to live the comfortable life says - WHAT THE HECK!!

But that much smaller side that has the intense desire to live a life surrendered to Jesus says THANK YOU for sharing your broken heart with me.

I LOVE YOU!!! Can't wait to figure out the what next (that starts with a chat with my mission's team)


Amy said...


LOVE your heart and your willingness to be ruined. You've managed to describe exactly how my heart feels about being forced to live between two worlds and the tension that causes. And I've yet to go to Africa!! Can't imagine how much more real that tension must be after you go and see with your own eyes.

But I'm WITH you. I would so much rather live in and with that tension than without it. God's using you and that tension and I know He's got even bigger, better things in store for your future as you continue to let your heart be broken by the things that break His.

Love to you, my cyber-space sister!

jena said...

Tension, torn between two worlds, unsure how to reconcile it all... sounds like you just returned from Uganda! And I for one, am glad you are back. No more going without me. Should we start looking for plane tickets?

Love you, love your heart, love your family, love all those sweet people you met!


Andrea said...

I am with you, Brandi. I feel the same way! We need to get together and chat more. Glad you are "home" safe. Love you!

Erica said...

Oh I know this feeling all to well. My re integrating after my trip to Ethiopia earlier this year was ugly. Frustration with life, others, and just dealing with your own emotions is hard.

Your right....not supposed to be comfortable. Praying for you sister.

Ria said...

Hey girl! Even I'm having re-integration issues... how come my kids don't understand how easy they have it? Thinking of you ... happy mother's day!