Monday, July 20, 2009

Makes me feel shaky

I'm going to be really honest here and share my journey. It's not complete in any way, shape or form. It's a process. . .but that's kind of why I blog. It helps me to process what I'm learning and it keeps me accountable to continue the work that I'm learning. . .so, get ready for my heart.

I've been struggling the last few days / weeks. I talked a bit about in my post "Honest Truth". It's just gotten worse. . .but I think I may know why. God may have been doing 2 things at the same time in my life. . . .

#1. My ministry roles were changing. Out of the comfort of my home church where I feel so loved and comfortable with the leadership and into working alongside HopeChest, HopeMongers and RLC. (PS They also make me feel comfortable and loved. . .I just don't have history there =) This means that I spend a good portion of my day talking to Russ, Sam, Vince and Bob. An incredible group of wicked smart guys who have serious education and qualifications to do their amazing jobs.

#2. My pride is being stripped away. I have heard it said that everyone struggles with an overloaded sense of self. . .it's the sin nature. However, that sin nature reveals itself in one of two ways: pride or self-hate. Mine has always been pride. Since everyone struggles with it. . .It's tempting to let it go. But God's word is pretty clear "God opposes the proud". Wow. I do not want to be opposed by God.

I began to pray and beg God to remove this from me. I wanted so desperately for Him to be able to use me in His Kingdom and I didn't want to get in the way of that. I was so afraid that He'd have to hold back His blessing or best because I couldn't handle it and would try to take His credit. So, I've been on my knees for the past months begging God to remove it from me.

Here's what I realized last night as I called my friend Jena, nervous and anxious about EVERYTHING in my life right now and all that God is calling me to. . . .

When God removes something. . He always desires to fill that space back up with Him. I hadn't done THAT work yet! I had asked Him to remove my pride. . .and didn't realize that He was working on it. . yet, all of a sudden I found myself questioning everything. I realized last night that He had begun to remove what had been my sure footing. I had relied on my self sufficiency, abilities, qualifications and everything else in the past. I had walked surely in pride and confidence.

Last night Beth Moore uttered these words in her closing video for Esther and they completely described me: "If you feel overshadowed, under rated, overwrought, under qualified, under attack, over anxious and over responsible you need to realize something. You have a GOD who has called you a queen (just like Esther) and has placed you in this place "for such a time as this" to Trust Him and LIVE the adventure"

wow. I realized that He'd removed some of my pride and it left me feeling all of those things because I hadn't replaced it with any of HIS truth. I called Jena on my way home and we worked through some truth. This is new ground for me. . .I'll walk with shaky legs. .I'll be taking every thought captive. . . .

When I feel: I will remember:
Inadequate HE is enough
unqualified HE placed me here and He knows best
insecure HE is my security
Unsure HE has ordered out my days
and the list goes on and on. . . .

I want to walk in a confidence that only comes from HIM. I want to Hide in the shelter of His wings. I want to live out His will for me and use the gifts He's given me because they reveal His image not for my own glory. I want to walk unafraid into the deep unknown because I'm holding the hand of the one who knows all. You see. . .I've always said that I don't want to life a safe life. I don't want to just do what I am capable of doing. I think I just thought I'd like to be made more capable! =) No, it is in my weakness that I will boast because it is HERE that others will see GOD.

For now, I will walk with these shaky legs and feel a bit vulnerable. I need to learn to cling to and walk in this truth alone. I feel unsure as I take these steps and still feel myself questioning WHY God would have me in these places among these people and why oh why they'd ever want me there either. I think it's a good thing. The beginning of a work I want God to complete. No matter where or what He calls me to, I will celebrate this work that leaves me shaky b/c it is here I will cling to my Jesus and learn to be more like Him.

**Note: I am still adding scripture to some of those truths if you have a good one for me. . .or if you hear me sliding back into my "secure" self of pride, I'd appreciate your nudging for me to look to Jesus.

11 comments:

James 1:27 Family said...

I feel like I could have written this post. I'm right there with you. ...Struggling to daily CHOOSE Him, lean on Him, rely on Him. Here's some scripture that came to mind - Ephesians 3:20-21 "Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen."
Many blessings to you!

Vanessa said...

Brandi, this post could not have come at a more perfect time for me!! I'm feeling that uneasiness myself these days and have been spending time asking the Lord to help me on my journey. Thanks again for being so honest and open!!

Kara said...

Brandi, Thank you for sharing! amen! Continue being HIS hands ( :

Kelly said...

I know it's hard to put your heart out there! I'm proud of you for following what God calls you to.

Carey said...

Brandi,
Please e-mail me at crucker@tznet.com. Our new "orphan minsitry" at church needs info on Hopechest. Do you have any Power Point presentations? If you were closer to WI, I'd have you come and talk.
Carey

Brother Frankie said...

i commented on the wrong post b4, but here are a few more...

• Delight in your weakness.
"That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:10)

• Wait on God's vindication.
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time." (1 Peter 5:6)
• Seek recognition and praise for yourself. • Let praise come only from others.
"Let another praise you, and not your own mouth; someone else, and not your own lips." (Proverbs 27:2)

Brandi...

you are most def on the right path...

Find greatness through serving others.
"Jesus called them together and said, 'You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant. '" (Matthew 20:25-26

Brother Frankie said...

sorry so long.

Anonymous said...

Girl - I love you and echo so many of those thoughts...I have been forced into humility (cause you know I didn't always choose it willingly) so many times this past year. We want to be there, but it is so hard to choose to stay in that place and rely soley on the Lord. Praying for you guys this weekend and can't wait to talk to you soon! Love you - Renae

Anonymous said...

Thank you- I needed to rad your words today- I am going thru alot of things and had also forgoten to "fill er up with God" Take care you will be fine- God is with you

Chuck Weinberg said...

It is amazing that God uses any of us to do His work in this world, yet He does.
There are so many Truths that are a constant comfort and He brings them to us at just the right time.
We have just started the adoption process, adding to our boi's 20, 19 and 17 and it is both scary and glorious as we watch Him work.
Ps. 91:1 =911, is always a good place to start when I am feeling less than able.

vincegiordano said...

Brandi Lea, this I'd a sweet reflection of your heart
I really love it. I think God can and will continue to
use you because of your heart and I am glad He is
purging the pride! Not that I saw that part!
Blessings, VG