I've been struggling the last few days / weeks. I talked a bit about in my post "Honest Truth". It's just gotten worse. . .but I think I may know why. God may have been doing 2 things at the same time in my life. . . .
#1. My ministry roles were changing. Out of the comfort of my home church where I feel so loved and comfortable with the leadership and into working alongside HopeChest, HopeMongers and RLC. (PS They also make me feel comfortable and loved. . .I just don't have history there =) This means that I spend a good portion of my day talking to Russ, Sam, Vince and Bob. An incredible group of wicked smart guys who have serious education and qualifications to do their amazing jobs.
#2. My pride is being stripped away. I have heard it said that everyone struggles with an overloaded sense of self. . .it's the sin nature. However, that sin nature reveals itself in one of two ways: pride or self-hate. Mine has always been pride. Since everyone struggles with it. . .It's tempting to let it go. But God's word is pretty clear "God opposes the proud". Wow. I do not want to be opposed by God.
I began to pray and beg God to remove this from me. I wanted so desperately for Him to be able to use me in His Kingdom and I didn't want to get in the way of that. I was so afraid that He'd have to hold back His blessing or best because I couldn't handle it and would try to take His credit. So, I've been on my knees for the past months begging God to remove it from me.
Here's what I realized last night as I called my friend Jena, nervous and anxious about EVERYTHING in my life right now and all that God is calling me to. . . .
When God removes something. . He always desires to fill that space back up with Him. I hadn't done THAT work yet! I had asked Him to remove my pride. . .and didn't realize that He was working on it. . yet, all of a sudden I found myself questioning everything. I realized last night that He had begun to remove what had been my sure footing. I had relied on my self sufficiency, abilities, qualifications and everything else in the past. I had walked surely in pride and confidence.
Last night Beth Moore uttered these words in her closing video for Esther and they completely described me: "If you feel overshadowed, under rated, overwrought, under qualified, under attack, over anxious and over responsible you need to realize something. You have a GOD who has called you a queen (just like Esther) and has placed you in this place "for such a time as this" to Trust Him and LIVE the adventure"
wow. I realized that He'd removed some of my pride and it left me feeling all of those things because I hadn't replaced it with any of HIS truth. I called Jena on my way home and we worked through some truth. This is new ground for me. . .I'll walk with shaky legs. .I'll be taking every thought captive. . . .
When I feel: I will remember:
Inadequate HE is enough
unqualified HE placed me here and He knows best
insecure HE is my security
Unsure HE has ordered out my days
and the list goes on and on. . . .
I want to walk in a confidence that only comes from HIM. I want to Hide in the shelter of His wings. I want to live out His will for me and use the gifts He's given me because they reveal His image not for my own glory. I want to walk unafraid into the deep unknown because I'm holding the hand of the one who knows all. You see. . .I've always said that I don't want to life a safe life. I don't want to just do what I am capable of doing. I think I just thought I'd like to be made more capable! =) No, it is in my weakness that I will boast because it is HERE that others will see GOD.
For now, I will walk with these shaky legs and feel a bit vulnerable. I need to learn to cling to and walk in this truth alone. I feel unsure as I take these steps and still feel myself questioning WHY God would have me in these places among these people and why oh why they'd ever want me there either. I think it's a good thing. The beginning of a work I want God to complete. No matter where or what He calls me to, I will celebrate this work that leaves me shaky b/c it is here I will cling to my Jesus and learn to be more like Him.
**Note: I am still adding scripture to some of those truths if you have a good one for me. . .or if you hear me sliding back into my "secure" self of pride, I'd appreciate your nudging for me to look to Jesus.